FCC Confiscates Remaining TV Channels For Twitter

Shocked and horrified by the geometrically expanding demand for wireless broadband services, the Federal Commfiscation Commission exercised its powers of eminent domain today and confiscated the remaining broadcast television channels not already sold at auction. Most surprising of all was the declaration that this rare and important spectrum is going to be dedicated exclusively to the text messaging service, Twitter.

FCC Chairman Lowon B. Andwidth explained that the Commission just completed an intensive study of Internet usage and found that the Twitter service is growing at such an astonishing rate that it will soon devour all available bandwidth. “While it is bad enough that Twitter will bring web browsing, video streaming, text messaging and email to a halt,” said Mr. Andwidth, “a far worse situation will occur when Twitter users have to take a number and get in line to post their tweets. I don’t want to be in Washington when that mob of anti-social networkers descends on Capitol Hill.”

In shortest supply is wireless bandwidth. Apparently, the lion’s share of cellular phone activity involves posting messages to Twitter rather than the growth previously expected from mobile video and web browsing. One young smartphone user was heard to exclaim, “Does anyone actually surf the Web anymore? Who has the patience to read blogs and web pages? Anything worth saying can be said in 140 characters or less.”

Twitter itself issued a 130 character statement expressing delight at the government’s pre-emptive action to prevent a massive Fail Whale epidemic from sweeping the nation, and requesting re-tweets. They vowed to expand server capacity to match the new wireless bandwidth capacity as best they can. TV stations that follow Twitter have already been tweeted to cease broadcasting immediately and return their licenses. The remaining stations will be getting old school telegrams. “It’s unlikely anyone will be inconvenienced by this change,” explained Chairman Andwidth. “Everybody is on cable and satellite by now, anyway.”

Expectations are that a swift coordinated move by the public and private sectors can ensure adequate messaging capacity at least until after the fall elections. After that, the FCC will likely look at shutting down other less important uses of the electromagnetic spectrum including most AM and FM music stations. “We may even have to shut down microwave ovens and garage door openers if we can’t keep up with texting bandwidth demand,” exclaimed an obviously frustrated chairman.

Also making quick moves to protect its interests, Google announced that it is going to take over non-wireless Internet service by offering 1 Gbps fiber optic connections to every city that performed ridiculous stunts to try to win Google broadband service for its residents. “All other cities that didn’t make fools of themselves will be getting 10 Gbps Google Internet access free of charge,” according to an unofficial Google statement. It went on to say: “There is only one acceptable day for any foolishness and that is April 1.”

LG Xenon Exotic Messaging Phone

What exotic gas glows blue when excited by an electrical discharge? Why, it's Xenon of course. Hence, the name for this cool new cell phone from LG Electronics. While that explains the clever moniker for the LG Xenon phone in blue, how does the red Xenon get its name? Wait, I know! It's so hot from messaging that it's glowing red hot. So hot, in fact, that it's cool.

Enough about the name. What's really interesting about the LG Xenon is that it is designed to be messaging-centric. That is of, by, and for those who are all a-twitter about messaging. You'll be text-enabled to the max with the slide-out QWERTY keyboard, with keys spread out to run the full length of the phone body. No more hunting for teeny-weeny little push buttons. You should be able to type a blue streak with this keyboard. Blue streak? Xenon? Maybe that's how it got its name. Hmmm.

The LG Xenon is also a touchscreen candybar style phone that easily slips in your pocket or bag with the keyboard retracted. It works great as a telephone when you aren't messaging. In fact, this could be called a world phone because it operates on all 4 international GSM bands: 850 / 900 / 1800 / 1900.

It's also 3G capable for the AT&T wireless network for blazing fast multimedia messaging and streaming multimedia. Streaming? Yes, you can use it for AT&T Mobile Music, XM Radio, Cellular Video and more with the appropriate plan options. There's also an MP3 player that lets you create and manage playlists for your MP3, AAC, AAC+ and WMA music files. Use an A2DP wireless stereo headset to get the most from this music player.

Photography hasn't been forgotten. You'll enjoy a 2.0 Megapixel digital camera that takes pictures good enough to print as well as share through messaging. You can record video messages up to 32 seconds or take video clips up to an hour. Expandable memory supports up to a 16 GB microSD Card for lots of music and picture storage.

That 2.8 inch touchscreen has tactile feedback. You'll feel a slight vibration to tell you that your command has been accepted. The screen also supports GPS services such as AT&T Navigator for turn by turn driving directions.

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Ghost Routers In The Sky

Look! Up in the Air! It's a bird. It's a plane. It's Wi-Fi.

The age of the flying hotspot is upon us. After some tentative starts, it now looks like the entire air fleet is embracing wireless Internet service for its customers. American Airlines recently announced it is joining the fray by installing WiFi access on more than 300 planes. Delta, Northwest and Virgin already have similar services in the works.

You knew it had to be this way eventually. We're an addictive nation. We may be shunning old vices like tobacco, trans fats, gas guzzling SUVs and even plastic bags. But electronic fixes are the new high. No teenager would be caught cell-less. No adult is going to be forced to take more than short trips without logging on to the Internet. The hotel industry caught on to this insatiable demand a decade ago. Restaurants caught on this decade.

Now it's time for the airlines. We may not need in-flight meals or drinks or movies or pillows. We don't care if we're crammed in like lobsters headed to that final sauna. You can make us sit in those cramped little seats for three hours before we take off. But there better be Internet service, or else.

The airlines are no fools. They're not going to be giving away WiFi access, after all. Have that $10 bill ready for the short hops. More for longer flights. American is going to offer a lower cost service for smartphones and PDAs, so the text addicted can keep on tweetin'. But don't get the idea you can flap your yap on a cell phone. You can only let your fingers do the talking. Quiet clicking will be acceptable to your fellow travelers, unlike some buffoon talking much too loudly and sharing way too much personal information.

There are two competing systems for in-flight Internet service. One uses cellular towers along the flight path. The other uses satellites. Aircell's Gogo system is cellular based, but you don't pick up the signal directly from the cell towers. Instead, the airplane receives the transmissions and feeds an onboard WiFi hotspot supporting 802.11 a/b/g wireless communications. That makes it compatible with everything but non-WiFi enabled cell phones.

Boeing's Connexion pioneered the use of satellite to plane links to provide service over water where there are long stretches of the briny deep with no land and no cellular towers. Service was discontinued in 2006 due to lack of sufficient demand.

A mere three years later, the demand has materialized. Perhaps it's due to our ever more connected world where both our business and personal lives require near-constant connection with the Internet. Perhaps air travel has finally become miserable enough that only our only escape is down the online rabbit hole into an alternate reality. But so many airlines are busily testing and deploying wireless routers on their planes that it looks like WiFi in the air is here to stay.

The big question is how long airlines will be able to collect those access fees for the same broadband service that hotels and restaurants are giving away free. We'll know the answer when people start picking their flights based on who is going to give them free WiFi.